Sunday, May 13, 2007
Going home… means getting pampered for many, meeting ol’ friends for some, having fun for almost everyone.
… and it has always been different for me.
I have got pampered everywhere I have been… have had very good friends in everyplace I have lived… have had fun almost everywhere… right from the day I ran away from reality… almost 8 years ago… to seek a substitute… to seek an addiction.
Those printed notes are the only things I can give them now, other than these occasional visits… I know both of them make them happy. I know I could do more… but that is all they have been to me and I cant seem to break that wall… it reminds me of those days when I banged the door to let them know… it reminds of me of those days when I sunk my head into my books ‘coz I didn’t want to hear the rest… it reminds me of those days I wanted to run away… it reminds of those days when I saw them cry and detested the concept of a marriage and a family.
I can be selfless, loving, seeking love, a possessive brat and an eternal optimist.
I love to be restless, wander, be around people and do everything and anything.
A tryst with reality makes me
… detest the bonding that is supposed to be eternal and the best.
… be selfish and justify it.
… ignore one and all who were / are an integral part of my life at some point of time
… sleep half the day and enjoy the solitude that I detested when I grew up
… be the irresponsible daughter who can see them try and still ignore
… be the over protective sister who doesn’t want them to see the struggle
… and make the world believe that it is called laziness.
8 years… doesn’t seem that long ago ‘coz I am still running away from the reality to the addiction. Wish I could be the addiction in the reality… efforts have been made… but then, some things can never be the same… some walls can never be broken… my childhood is too far gone for repairs.
Addiction beckons!
… and it has always been different for me.
I have got pampered everywhere I have been… have had very good friends in everyplace I have lived… have had fun almost everywhere… right from the day I ran away from reality… almost 8 years ago… to seek a substitute… to seek an addiction.
Those printed notes are the only things I can give them now, other than these occasional visits… I know both of them make them happy. I know I could do more… but that is all they have been to me and I cant seem to break that wall… it reminds me of those days when I banged the door to let them know… it reminds of me of those days when I sunk my head into my books ‘coz I didn’t want to hear the rest… it reminds me of those days I wanted to run away… it reminds of those days when I saw them cry and detested the concept of a marriage and a family.
I can be selfless, loving, seeking love, a possessive brat and an eternal optimist.
I love to be restless, wander, be around people and do everything and anything.
A tryst with reality makes me
… detest the bonding that is supposed to be eternal and the best.
… be selfish and justify it.
… ignore one and all who were / are an integral part of my life at some point of time
… sleep half the day and enjoy the solitude that I detested when I grew up
… be the irresponsible daughter who can see them try and still ignore
… be the over protective sister who doesn’t want them to see the struggle
… and make the world believe that it is called laziness.
8 years… doesn’t seem that long ago ‘coz I am still running away from the reality to the addiction. Wish I could be the addiction in the reality… efforts have been made… but then, some things can never be the same… some walls can never be broken… my childhood is too far gone for repairs.
Addiction beckons!
Labels: just in the mood, people
I've been told that when a great sentence is followed by a 'but', it belies all truth in that great sentence.
Key is to face the reality and eliminate reason for those 'buts'
About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 1994, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages [England & Australia]. God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].
Peace Be With You
Micky
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